Titus fought the law and the...law won. :(

Wow, I think I just took the longest shower I've taken in two years. Probably because A: it actually had hot water, B: there was no stuck window that let all the cold air in from outside and C: there weren't any bugs living in the shower! Hurrah for clean bathrooms.

In other news, I was invited to talk at the Creative Writing Minor meeting today, to dispel the horrendous myths the freshmen have been spreading about it. I personally haven't heard of any of those rumors, but whatever, I'll go with it. It was an interesting experience, to say the least. Most of the freshmen just stared blankly at the three of us speakers, and I felt a little out of place considering I had been debating whether or not I was actually going to fulfill the creative writing minor for a while now.

It was cool to talk to my poetry professor, though. There are many things about her that remind me of myself, which is maybe why I thought I didn't really like her at first? I suppose I wouldn't say "dislike" but more... threatened? Intimidated? Scared? Those seem like more appropriate words. My meeting with her earlier today probably helped too. She, much like my fiction professor last year, really inspire me to work harder on my own writing. It makes me feel a bit guilty for being so lazy. Well, maybe not lazy (I was accused of being a workaholic this week!) but more... scatterbrained. I want to do so many things, I feel like I don't have time for all of them. But that's an age-old story that everyone's heard before.

My art professor complimented me on my eye make-up today! I've sort of resigned myself to the idea that I'll look weird no matter what I do, so I've gotten a little more adventurous with my make-up and fashion. Today I wore a monochromatic ensemble with seafoam colored shoes and inside-out eye make-up (as in I only lined the inside V of my eyes and left the top lids blank).

It probably didn't help to be dismissed by a professor a few weeks ago for not being "fashionable." Oops, there goes my self confidence!

And now I should go work on my Shakespeare paper: How Titus Andronicus is a critique on the failure of Law in both Formal Law and Vigilanteism. Sound interesting, right? We'll see...

A New Chapter for All

It's getting to be that time of year when I feel giddy and excited about the cooling weather, the bright blue skies and the changing leaves. Fall is (and will always be) my favorite season. Maybe it's because that was when school started, and despite my utmost contempt for it most of the time, I loved buying new school supplies. Well, new notebooks, anyhow. Most of the other school supplies my mom just recycled from my sister, which used to bother me when I was young but just makes sense to me now.

But those notebooks... crisp, clean and shiny white pages, a brand new chapter, a sweet blank slate. The idea that maybe, just maybe, I'll do better this year. New notebooks and sketchbooks also instill in me a sense of great potential... that I am somehow on my way to doing great and important things. It's only until I start filling them up that I berate myself and regret wasting paper and all of those forms of self-chastisement.

Fall now leaves a trace of melancholy in amongst its reds, yellows and oranges. I remember my junior year of high school, when I visited the east coast. Fresh and bright with my first love, thoughts of potential finally found, of great, grand cities bustling with stylish students swirling around my head, I came to Washington College with such a profound sense of hope, of at last pursuing my dreams. The college seemed large and wonderful, and the anticipation built up in my limbs like electric shocks. I knew that life would finally be different, better than the tiny town and smaller school I had called home all of my life.

But these last two years have been a nightmare if they were anything dream-like. I fell into the wrong group of friends, gave myself away in desperation to abusive, insecure people and in turn, became insecure myself. I'm struggling with my own sense of identity now, and what I really want to do with my life.

About an hour ago, WAC's presidential inauguration of Mitchell Reiss ended. I sang in the Vocal Consort that accompanied the ceremony, and I am lucky enough to have my name in the program. It was interesting to attend the long ceremony since many of the speakers were former senators, governors, and congressman. President Reiss is an important man, and I was struck by how much influence he really has, not only here in Chestertown, but in Washington D.C. too. I was struck by how superfluous my interests are: English and Art. Yes, I do believe they are important in some ways, but fiction or fine art are rather elitist things--someone living paycheck to paycheck is probably not going to have an interest in either. President Reiss was out negotiating with terrorists in North Ireland and North Korea. What will I end up doing with my life? Write a quaint number of books and collections? Maybe eventually sell a piece of artwork, if I'm lucky?

I know this existential moment is born simply out of my desire (or desperation) to be known, to have the attention all to myself, to be seen as a great person of... something. There are times when I wonder if I have become too ambitious, set my sights too high. It's the characters with too much ambition who are the ones who tend to fail in the end.